The Weekly Wasteland News

The Weekly Wasteland News  

News from the wasteland -  By Night Owl Do you have a interesting story? We'll pay you up to 200 bottlecaps for breaking stories.  Contact Harold.

 Dog kills man - owner rejoices

The quiet town of Shady Sands was rocked today by the vicious killing of Ian the Wanderer.  According to witnesses, an angry dog was the cause of death.  Apparently, the dog grew weary of Ian constantly shooting him and his owner while in battle with various foes.   Listening to the witnesses, the killing seems justified.

"Ian was outside the gates, along with the dog and the dog's owner, fighting off those damn scorpions", said Seth, the Gate Guard.  "Every time they went to kill one, Ian would spray the whole area with sub-machinegun fire, hitting his allies.  I guess the dog had enough" .

Vault Dweller, the dog's owner, had this to say "Not for nuthin, but the damn fool was always getting in my way.  I'm glad he's gone".


Mysterious deaths may have an explanation

The recent rash of people all over the wasteland dropping dead for apparently no reason may be attributed to Erectitis, a rare condition caused by sleeping while standing up.

According to Junktown physician Robert "Doc" Morbid, people should take the time to lie down before attempting to sleep.  "In all my years of practicing medicine, I have never seen as many people sleep while standing as I have in this part of the world.   For God sakes folks - LIE DOWN!!!".


Man fights Mutants - loses life

William "Tycho" Doleman of Junktown was killed yesterday while trying to fight a pack of mutants with only a knife.  According to witnesses, he pulled the knife after running out of shotgun shells.

"He had Power Armor and a Plasma rifle on him, but refused to use it", said Tandi Johnson.   "I think he was trying to impress me. I mean, why else would he do such a stupid thing? Well, thanks for talkin".


Caravan owner watches videotape, goes mad

Butch Douglass, owner of Far-Go traders, was admitted to the Michael Jackson Children's Hospital yesterday for psychiatric evaluation.  Apparently, this came about while he was watching an old pre-flash videotape from before the war.

"He was watching some show called "Geraldo", said his friend, Beth.  "He saw that from watching the tape that Chit-Chat was indeed worth money. I t blew apart everything he believed in".

Investigators are hopeful that a search for a tape of show #1,234, taped April 9, 2002, will cure him. It depicts Geraldo being beaten to death by three heavyset women who loved the same cat.


Man has not left store in 10 years!!!!

Killian Darkwater, mayor of Junktown, and owner of Killian's General Store, set a new world's record yesterday by staying in the same building for 10 years. When told that he set the record because he has never left his store, Killian replied "Well that's a damn fine coincidence, I happen to like it here."


Hub Police Confused

This newspaper has learned of strange events regarding the Police officers of the Hub.  They apparently cannot agree on the mortal status of the cities biggest crime boss, Decker.  In short, some officers swear the man is dead, while others think he's alive.

"I came across a group of them outside the city" said undercover reporter Jeannie Rimerson. "One of the officers told me 'Decker's Dead'. I then asked his partner about it, and he said to me 'Stay away from Decker.  This town would be a lot better off without him'.  It was strange."

When asked about the conduct of his men and Decker's gang, Sheriff Justin replied "they killed Kenny, those bastards".


BB Gun finally gets an eye

After more than a century and millions of worried mother's warnings, A Red Rider BB Gun has finally put someone's eye out.  The historic shot was made by R.L. Buffy outside of Junktown.  A unidentified raider was the victim.  When asked about her history making shot, Ms. Buffy replied:  "Luck just luck..."


Shortage of competent store clerks threatens economy

A severe shortage of trained retail personnel may be devastating for small businesses.  It seems that store clerks all over the wasteland are selling low and buying high.  On a recent undercover trip we tried this ourselves.  We bought a stimpack from a local store for 50 caps. Two minutes later, we sold the same stimpack right back to the same clerk for 75 caps.   When we pointed out the error to the clerk, he said "It just gets so confusing counting those caps all one at a time".


Cloning runs Rampant - Scientists Baffled

Brotherhood Scribes are baffled by a strange phenomena they have dubbed "instant cloning". It involves the sudden appearance of several duplicates of individuals.  Said one Vault Dweller "It happened to my friend Ian.  We were hanging around Junktown, and all of a sudden, there were more Ians than I could count.  It took me forever to shoot them all".

According to Biologist Dave Hendee, a cure should be forthcoming shortly. "This is a bug that took everyone by surprise. But if we patch together the right ingredients, we should be able to zip out a cure in, oh, 1.1 days".  Come back down then, and we'll load you up.


Local Child Dies in Hub - PARAMEDICS PROVE USELESS

A small child was killed today by a raving lunatic, but many argue he could have survived.  When asked why he did it the man, (a convicted child killer) shouted: "I really wanted to leave the kid alone... but somehow I couldn't stop my urge to waste him!  It was like a voice in my head was saying: Combat cannot end with hostile creatures nearby!

C'mon everybody does it at least once! They all sorta look the same after a little while!  What's the harm.  The family can find another look a like to replace him!

The worst shock however came when local paramedics arrived, and simply stood by and drank a bottle of Rad Scorpion as the boy died, claiming they were unable to deliver first aid by stating: "We already did 3 rescues today, 2 in Junktown, one here already, we just can't do first aid more than three times a day no matter how much free time we got."

FELIXOLIVAS@prodigy.net will get 200 caps for this story... Thanks!


High-End Arms Dealer Sufffers From Alzheimers

Gabriel, the leader of the BoneYard gang "The GunRunners", notorious for their sales of heavy weaponry to small prepubescent teenagers, is reported to have a serious case of Alzheimers, which has caused him to deal out just about all their weapons and leave their hide-out for no real reason. "Well at first, he kept forgetting there was a big staircase that lead to the Mother Deathclaw for about 28 years. After several of his thugs kept reminding him where it was, he'd also forget that he had enough firepower to level a Braveheart-like horde of "Nightkin" claims a local Vault Dweller. "Then, after killing all of the 'Claws with my combat-shotgun, I told him about the Blades' predicament. So, he gave 'em half their guns. Then to be funny, I asked him for weapons and ammo and lots of it. Then he just left, leaving all his guns there and taking his thugs with him!" Regulators have been questioning Gabriel, but he keeps claiming that he's still stuck in his base,and that the last 20 years have been hell.

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Unidentified Saucer-shaped Aircraft Sighted

Unidentified Saucer-shaped aircraft have been sighted near a pre-war Military base, which is known to be inhabited by mutants. Authorities have denied any connection between the Flying Saucer and the base. However, these aircraft could potentially be the beginning of a building up of a mutant military. One of our correspondents attempted to interview a Lieutenant in the installation but was shot by the base guards. Another reporter will be sent in soon, this time in Powered Armor, with a Plasma Rifle as well as the usual Pipboy Holotape Recorder!

robson@dmv.com will get 200 caps for this story... Thanks!


Giant Footprint Found outside the Hub!

Yesterday a group of patrolling Officers found the remains of a dead wanderer laying inside of a giant footprint, apparently squashed by the giant creature that left it there.

"It was Awful!" said Kenny, the sheriff''s deputy. "I was walking out there yesterday. It could have been me!" Hub officials searched the area, finding no other footprints, but a lone officer reported seeing some kind of telephone booth, but it disappeared as he approached it. He is currently undergoing psychological evaluation. Doctors say he may be able to return to work within the next month or two.

Anyone who spots a giant 3 toed creature is highly encouraged to report it to the Hub police.

slacker@prarie.lakes.com will get 200 caps for this story... Thanks!


Vault dweller kills sheriff Killian and casino owner Gizmo

A mysterious man killed the local law and local scum in Junktown. According to witness after killing a gang and taking there armor the lone gunmen first killed Gizmo after Gizmo insulted him. Then he set his rifle sights on the guards surrounding Killian. After killing the guards the gunman then shot Killian through the heart and then stole his merchandise.

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Local Man Shot During Protest

Earlier today, a man identified as Ian the Wanderer was shot repeatedly eyewitnesses say. He was participating in a stand up strike when a lone gunman went berserk and turned him into chunky kibbles with a minigun. When questioned by the Regulators the gunman said," That bastard deserved it! He followed me onto a bridge, and then stood there blocking the only exit, refusing to move! What the hell was I supposed to do?" Unfortunately the suspect escaped, after brutally slaughtering the inhabitants the L.A. Boneyard..

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Necropolis Wasted! Criminals not yet Found

An unconfirmed report of the entire city of Necropolis' inhabitants being completely wasted, has just now been confirmed. One of our reporters traveled to the city for a story, and got it. When he got there, he found Necropolis' entire population of Ghouls slayed. A nearby traveler, calling himself the "Vault Dweller", spoke to us on this matter. He said he thought it might be Super Mutants, and then continued stating, " Didn't giv'a shit bout them muties anyway. Wherever you Super Mutants are, thanks, now I can get the waterchip and not have to worry about their waterpump." This traveler then proceeded down a manhole, and came back out minutes later jumping in joy shouting, "YES! NOW THAT DAMN OVERSEER WONT BUG ME ANYMORE!"

He also had some type of chip in his hand.

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Local Car Salesman Shot

A salesman was shot yesterday after he reportedly sold a car to a man in a leather jacket. After questioning the man, local authorities were able to produce this excerpt from the interrogation:
"He offered to sell me a car, he said that they were all fine examples of automobiles, so I bought one."
"And?"
"And the car I bought for 20,000 caps didn't even move, it's entire front was missing!!!"
"Did you sign some kind of contract"
"Yes, I did, so when I asked for my money back, he threw that contract in my face and went into his shack."
"Then what?"
"Well, I was very mad at this point, so I went in after him, he took a pot-shot at me with a BB gun, so I whipped out my SMG, and taught him a thing or two about customer satisfaction..."

Well, the man is now in confinement in Junktown, were he will remain until tomorrow evening.

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Killian Almost Killed By Assassin

Last afternoon Killian Darkwater (sheriff and mayor of Junktown) was almost killed by an assassin.  Here's the rest of the story:

Killian says that the man was from Gizmo's and if the man that claims he is a Vault dweller wasn't there then he'd probably be dead! The "Vault Dweller" says the man just walked in and pulled out a rifle and shot Killian in the arm," I quickly drew my pistol and shot the assassin two times. The reporter says Killian is fine now.

He also had some type of chip in his hand.

ncounter@gj.net will get 200 caps for this story... Thanks!


Shady Sands Heiress Elopes with Biker Thug

Earlier this week, the town of Shady Sands was shocked when Tandi, the prestigious daughter of town elder Aradesh, left town with a burly, scruffy biker who answers to the name of "Ben."

The two were last seen heading west on a Corley Motors RoadMaster 3050 equipped with a Destroyer-class solid-fuel recoil booster.

One town resident claimed he was unsurprised. "Whenever I think of Tandi, I think of two things... Asphalt, and trouble." It has been intimated that the biker was attracted to Tandi because of "something familiar about her voice," but WWN Network was unable to verify the truth of the rumor.

forty2@earthlink.net will get 200 caps for this story... Thanks!


Man Gives Away Free Money and Stimpacks

Our paper has learned of a person who resides in the Blades headquarters and seems to have a endless supply of money and stimpacks.

As you can understand we found this hard to believe. After repeated reports we decided to send in an investigator. Upon arrival we saw a man dressed in black leather with an shotgun strapped to his leg standing outside the base of the gang. His pockets bulging with bottlecaps and a backpack filled with stimpacks standing next to him. We asked him if he could tell us what was going on, here is what he said.

"Well, I helped out those Blades guys by getting 'm weapons and clear out Adytum of the Regulators. After having done that I talked to this guy in the Blades' hide out and he was all grateful 'n stuff, so he wanted to give me some caps and stims. I said I didn't need that but he still stuffed 'm in my hands. I tried to talk with him again, you know, give back the stuff, but he ended up giving me more caps and stims. Every time I talked to him he gave me more. Man, these people have been tripping on brahmin dung fumes a bit too long, if you ask me." The leather wearing stranger then left, mumbling something about a Master and headed for the Cathedral. Not long thereafter a huge mushroom cloud was seen rising from the same location. Our reporters will look into that matter soon.

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Tycho Missing... Nevermind

A traveler wearing a costume from the ancient band 'Gwar' was suspected in the aiding and abetting of shooting a flower child in the back. "I was talking to Jain of the Cathedral and I was about to..um... leave... and uh they uh... shot themselves!  Yeah they shot themselves. Damnedest thing y'know? Anyway after the uh... mass suicide, I noticed my buddy, Tycho was missing."

Police standing across the street witnessed the murder. "Well I saw the kid walk out of the building, and this tall bald man with a shot gun followed him. When the kid asked the man something, the stranger answered by cocking his shotgun." "Yeah, I was trying to administer first aid, but after 3 times I had to just stop until the next day, and I noticed he was missing," the Vault Dweller said.  "And so I says hey, where's Tycho, and I hear a shot and a little kid going ahh ah uh and a little thump. Oh there he is, good job Tycho, no more passing out flowers for that kid."

A midget standing outside the water merchants claimed to see Tycho whistle and casually drop a laser gatling gun onto the dead child's hand. The police watching the whole affair shot the midget and gave Tycho a commendation. The Sheriff had only this to say,"That damn kid was a nuisance spreading his love and his little pansy flowers. Good job Tycho!!!!!!!!"

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Catherdral Destroyed - Police Searching for Suspects

The home and place of worship of the Children of the Cathedral was destroyed in a nuclear blast yesterday. Police suspect an armed, armored wanderer known as 'the Vault Dweller' to be responsible.

Katja, a former partner of the Vault Dweller, was available for questioning. "I knew he was headed to the Cathedral the day we parted ways, but I don't think that he could have done something like this. He didn't have the firepower to incinerate an entire cathedral! I think it was one of those peace freaks that finally snapped from being nice all of the time!"

Others were not so certain about the vault dweller's innocence. We were able to question several area SuperMutants, but none were very forthcoming. "GGGGGrrRRRrrrrrraaAAAhhHHHhgggGggHuman! Kill Human!" was the most intelligible answer we were able to elicit.

Some are even optimistic about the Cathedral's destruction. Nicole of the Followers of the Apocalypse had this to say "The Children and their dark Master were evil, and they had to be stopped by whatever means necessary!" Decker, the proprietor of The Maltese Falcon in the Hub was also glad of their demise. "Damn, I'm glad that they are gone. Their self righteousness was pissing me off, and they were cramping my style! And when that happens, 'accidents' can happen. Just ask Jain!"

Now we must all make room in our communities(and put ammo in our weapons) for the SuperMutants who lost their homes in this tragedy.

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Kidnapped Baby Found

Today a Charismatic man who was dressed in power armor rescued a boy from a crazy lunatic who didn't feed the child he stole. After years of wandering in the desert they came to the coast where they started to fish in black water. The kid never did like it at the coast and hated to barter with people. The kid finally admitted to the man in power armor that he was kidnapped and that he only stayed with the man because he fed him...most of the time.

The man in powered armor shot the crazy lunatic and took the child back to the mother in the hub. Later that day he was given a 20% discount at Beth's guns shop, and a full suit of metal armor.

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Deathclaw Eggs Speak

The mysterious 'vault dweller' told the following story to this reporter in the Boneyard: "I was doing a job for Gabriel of the Gun Runners--that is, killing the Deathclaws in the Deathclaw Playground. After I deep-sixed the Deathclaws, AND the Deathclaw mommy, I went after the eggs. I tried to kick one, missed, and it just blurted out: "you didn't even wing me!" I crushed it, and then tried to hit another one. I missed again, and it yelled at me: "Try again, Punk!" It scared me, so I took out my minigun and blew it to shreds. 

Scary!" Is the Vault Dweller insane? Or are deathclaw eggs intelligent and know how to speak? Only time will tell!

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